Loyal Redeemer
by Chaotic Serenity
Summary: Nakago faces penance for his crimes in a fashion few would consider...and the one to save him may be the seishi he least expects. Very high R-maturity rating for heavily adult themes. For Nakago lovers and haters alike. Part of a series.


_Summary:  _Nakago pays the penance for his sins in a way few would consider...and it may be the seishi he least expects to bring him salvation.

**Warnings:**  Angst, death, gore, slight sexual themes, and possibly disturbing rape references.  **_VERY HIGH R RATING._**

**Spoilers: ** Massive spoilers for the entire series, including the deaths of several Seiryuu and Suzaku characters, and the series finale.  Also, several sections of this story have significant spoilers for the Nakago novel _Seiran Den_.  In fact, this entire story records the events of the show in chronological order, so be warned if you're a newcomer to the show.

**Dictionary:**  All foreign words in this story are _italicized_.

_seishi_ = warrior

_No da_ = emphatic placed at the end of a sentence

_Aishiteru_ = I love you

_Kaijin _= word/name the priestess' used to summon god temporarily to grant a wish

_Gomen _= sorry

_Ki _= life force or energy, in this case, it's what allows characters like Nakago and Chichiri to form ki blasts and sense the presence of others

_Sayonara_ = Goodbye, usually in the pretense that two people will never meet again

Also, _italicized_ words are Nakago's thoughts.  _Italicized_ words within \\brackets\\ are the other worldly voices.

**Archive: **Just ask. ^_^

Obligatory Disclaimer:  I own no part of Fushigi Yuugi, nor of the character Nakago, Soi, Ashitare, Tomo, etc, etc.

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Loyal Redeemer 

He was first conscious of the pain.  The terrible, wrenching pain of having his own heart torn from his body.  Pain of the physical plane, pain of the boy's victory.

Yet there was another torment, and this hurt far worse than the corporeal form that came before it.  This was the agony of violation, a final contravention of the armor he'd so carefully covered his soul with.  Losing her had melted away enough ice, but now the boy...Abruptly, he felt Tamahome's spirit merge, for the slightest of time's passing, and his life flashed before his mind's eye.

The horror of his childhood, the agony of his mother's death, the fear of the emperor's advances...and so many other memories he was forced to relive in that one very instant.  Beneath him, within him, he felt the boy gasp in horror.

He shook, slightly.  How could the gods let another know his suffering?

Never mind that, though.  Everything was now beginning to fade fast. Just like...just like that time...Nakago closed his eyes and smirked bitterly.

He'd failed her.  Where was there any worth in meeting her again when he had failed once more?

As the darkness enclosed him further, Nakago took his final breath...and held on.

It seemed so familiar, this run through the woods.  This desperate, futile run to where he had heard his mother's scream echoing through the trees.  But he continued anyway, despite the ominous feeling that seemed to loom ahead.  Something inside him trembled at what was to come...

There was so much fire, so much death.  Homes and forest burning alike, people scrambling to find shelter from the soldier's attacks....  And the bodies...The smell of charred flesh nearly suffocated him as he struggled through the undergrowth.  Those bodies were--had been--his people, his family, his...life.

_Why do they hate us?_  The now familiar questioned echoed through the boy's mind in a desperate tone.

The eradication of the Hin was nothing new to him or even his tribe in general.  By now they were used to the prejudice directed at his people for their lifestyle and characteristics.  Talk of their own danger wasn't rare, either.  However, with the treaty their people had recently made with the emperor and their reluctant move to the borderlands of Kutou, many had thought the danger was gone and done with.

The emperor had betrayed them...

Again, the question hammered through his young mind.  _Why?_

Why was everything he ever knew and loved being destroyed before his own eyes?

There was no answer; there never was to the questions he asked himself.  As he rounded a clump of trees, though, the terrible cause of his mother's pain was answered.

Amid the chaos and calamity of the soldiers' attack, in the very heart of the Hin's suffering, was his mother, struggling to escape the hold of four or five different soldiers who were–who were...

He screamed in rage, demanding them to stop.  All faces turned towards in unison, and in that awful, heart stopping moment, his mother's eyes met his own.

Terror, fear, hatred, betrayal...All of these emotions and more were present in her sky-blue eyes.  Gone was the joy and happiness and animation.  Gone was the soft maternal glow, the enchanting tune that sung crisp and clear, rocking him to bed each night.  In their place were two pale, frozen strangers.

"Ayuru, run, get away!  My darling, please, get away while you can!"

Rage.  Blinding, hot, white rage.

Kutou's victims could have been any people, any village, any family, any other little boy's mother.  Anyone else but him.  They had done this on purpose, massacred his family and friends, relatives and acquaintances alike.  They had deliberately taken no victims; they had deliberately destroyed **his** life.

As Ayuru gazed helplessly into his mother's pallid features, a light appeared amidst the ruins that had been his life.  It was an overpoweringly cold light that rose inside of him alongside the rage and anger and guilt that was already bubbling over.  This newfound light, this power rose within him, strange and alien in being, yet all at once hauntingly familiar.

Hadn't he done this once before?

His small body was trembling now, throat constricted in overwhelming fear, eyes narrowed in focused hatred.  Ayuru was now only cognizant of the power rising within him from an origin within him of which he was not aware.

_\\No, stop!  This isn't worth it!\\_

The voice split through the vicious haze of Ayuru's thoughts mere seconds before his power revealed itself, too little, too late to stop its eruption.  The child's scream broke the heavens, and the oncoming surge of power that accompanied his cry encompassed everything, encasing it in brilliant, burning blue light.  _Kokoro_, heart's lodging, blazed radiantly upon his stricken features, its glow the only feature to be scene above the luminescence of the explosion.

It was an eternity before the light disappeared completely, and Ayuru was finally able to see around him once more.  What he saw though, made him wish the light had never faded.

What remained of the two soldiers and his mother were nothing more than a few charred ashes that were soon carried away by the raging winds from the firestorm around him.

Gone.  Dead.  His mother was dead.

My fault...

He felt nothing.  Not grief or sadness nor anger or rage.  Just...nothing.  There was sensation, yes.  In fact, as soon as the smoke settled, Ayuru became disturbingly aware of his surroundings.  The cries of the women and children in the distance as their men were slaughtered, soon to follow that doomed fate themselves, the roar of the raging fire that slowly ate away the last pieces of the forest and his home, the smell of blood and death and fear, and the sight of his people motionless on the ground, now only blackened husks of ash and dust.

But there was no emotion.  Not any of it.  He was ruined, empty.  There was nothing left...

Why?

That damned, unanswerable question again.  Why, damnit, why, why, why?

He had killed her, slaughtered her along with the only life he had ever known.

My fault...

And then it came.  That hopeless, inexorable understanding that nothing would be the same again, his childhood innocence now forever tarnished and lost, blown away on the same wind that carried away his mother's remains.

He quivered, lithe frame shaking in the sudden chill of his loneliness.  Tenkou, just let him die...

Suddenly, there was the sound of soldiers' yelps and rough, crude hands suddenly grasped him, forcing him to look into the dark, glassy eyes of the Kutou assassin.  Had Ayuru any feeling left in him he would have shuddered.  Such hatred in those eyes...

"Gods damn it all!  It would figure that one of these disgusting Hin brats was one of the Seiryuu seven."

The mention of Kutou's revered god jolted the young slightly from his emotionless daze.  Even the Hin were no strangers to the story of the four gods, but how could one of Tenkou's followers be one of the ordained?  Ayuru's hand slowly made its way to his forehead.

"Well we can't kill him, now what do we do?" asked another faceless soldier gruffly.

"What else can we do but bring him to the emperor?  Honata, grab the brat and get moving.  We have three villages left before we can leave."

Merciless hands grasped him once more, dragging him away from the scene of his mother's death.  So they weren't going to kill him but, instead, take him to the emperor.  The emperor of Kutou.  The same one who had betrayed his people.  He would continue to live on as a warrior for Kutou rather than die among the people he belonged with because of one god's choosing.

In the instance in which Ayuru realized this, he began to loathe the symbol he bore on his forehead, the hatred culminating in the very depths of his soul, already casting the shell for his heart's first set of armor.

Never again...

"C'mon already!  Three more villages and then we're off!"

His stomach suddenly lurched at the soldier's words.  They didn't care, not one of them.  Their deaths meant nothing; they were subhuman.  Soon, he would be the only one left...

The bile rose in his throat at the revelation that he was one and alone in this world.  The others were gone; he was the only one left to carry on.  It was an answer to a question that he need not seek to find.  The dying cries and shouts of those whom he once called family left no room for the imagination to find other conclusions.  If they weren't all gone already, then by some time in the near feature--maybe a year from a now, a month, a week, perhaps today--they would be.

He heaved, suddenly sick.  

With a yelp of surprise, the soldier carrying him dropped Ayuru hastily.  He was slapped.  

Once.  Twice.

But it didn't matter.  Nothing mattered.  There was no pain, for he was already sliding back into that merciful blackness.  That dark, malevolent, yet merciful darkness...

Yet right before everything was forgotten in obscurity, that voice rang true and clear once more.

_\\Now was that truly worth it?\\_

Everything seemed to pass him in shadows.  He was dimly aware of being presented to the emperor, aware of the emperor's cold, murderous voice, the sly, disturbing comments on his feminine features, the chilling hatred of the palace courtiers' eyes, and the burning torment that was Seiryuu's power deep within him.  No longer was he Ayuru, child of the Hin, but Nakago, celestial warrior of Seiryuu.  

He ate little, slept even less, and when he did, the nightmares that plagued his fragile mind nearly drove him insane.  The weight he lost showed in the sudden bagginess of his clothes, the loss of sleep in dark, tired eyes that formed rings around their edges.  His tone had a listlessness to it, though few took notice.  As long as the child remained as submissive as he was, nobody cared.

Right now, however, he became abruptly aware of rough, uncaring hands roaming over the expanse of his small, youthful body.  Large, uncomfortable hands that slid over his body desirably.

"So smooth and pretty, just like a little girl...So very pretty."

Burying himself farther in his silent misery, Ayuru let the man do what he wanted, not bothering to respond to his somewhat insulting comment.  But nothing mattered now. There was no feeling...

But then suddenly there was; Ayuru's world exploded in pain.

The child screamed as his adolescent, virgin body was cruelly violated by the emperor of Kutou.  The rough hands that had been stroking him so softly before now gripped him with mad animal desire, squeezing the thinning softness of his stomach until it hurt, leaving long red welts across him chest.

_Gods...gods, make it stop, make it stop!  Tenkou, Seiryuu, anyone!_

Yet no one answered.  There was no mercy to be had for the small child of Seiryuu who bore the brutality and iniquity that was the emperor of the Kutou, no hand to reach out and comfort the small boy as he was torn into over and over again.

When the nightmare was finally over, the emperor left without a sound, leaving the boy a bloodied, bruised mass among the sheets, nearly unconscious from the overwhelming pain.

But the child did not cry.  Not one tear nor any salty drops of lamentation.  He could not cry, **would**not cry.

_\\And why not?  Just let it go, you don't need to live through this all over again.  Just let it go and you can be free of this suffering.\\_

That damned voice again.

_Crying is for the weak, _he responded mechanically, _I will not be weak.  For the sake of her, I can't.   I don't deserve tears._

_\\A child who doesn't cry is not a child at all.\\_

_So be it.  I'm no child anymore anyway.  I'm a murderer._

_\\It wasn't your fault.\\_

_It's **all** my fault._

_\\Forgiveness is the key to your salvation.  Let go of your hatred.\\_

_Never.  It's all I have left.  Who are you anyway?_

_\\Does it matter?\\_

He was in a garden now.  The sweet alfresco setting was warmed by the rare occasion of the sun peeking out from between the seemingly endless clouds that usually lingered like death over Kutou's capital.  Golden pheasants hustled by, their feathers tussled in their hurry to escape the clamor of the courtyard preparations while said courtesans and soldiers hovered hither and thither round the courtyards.

They were in the emperor's lone dining garden areas.  The man had little taste for the natural wonders, and as such, the only other such splendors to be found were the gardens the emperor had ordered built in order to gain the affections of his harem consorts.  Today, the gardens had been decorated with the fine colors of Kutou's reverenced god (various shades of blue) and with a tinge of gold to remind the masses of the emperor's wealth.

No one had ever said the emperor was one for good tastes.

Despite the innocent, heartwarming appeal the gathering brought, Ayuru knew something was wrong.  Nothing was ever truly innocent in Kutou, land only of the dying and dead.  His suspicions were further justified as the emperor himself appeared within his line of vision, sitting comfortably at one jewel-encrusted dining table.  His presence seemed out of place in the purity of the gardens, his malevolent being darkening the affect of the flowers and hedges, seeking out and consuming what light there was like an infinite mass of blackness.

Inwardly, Ayuru shuddered: this was the same man who would shamelessly exploit his body every night.

Why was he here?  Again, that damned unanswerable question that plagued his being. Was there anyone out there who had resolution for him?

Perhaps there was.

"Surely, you are wondering as to why you were brought here today."

He simply gazed impassively at the emperor, but gave a slight nod in the end.

"Hmph.  So emotionless.  You won't be soon."

Another series of inward shivers shook his insides.  What worse malice could the emperor inflict upon his beaten soul?  

"Ayuru!"

Oh, by the gods...

"Taria..."  He whispered her name softly, faintly as if in a dream.  This was a dream; she couldn't be real.  He was the last of his race, was he not?  Completely alone.  "Taria," he repeated.

"Ayuru, I'm so glad you're all right!  I was so worried!"

_Taria...is it really you?_  Somewhere beneath the armor plating of his heart, the faintest glimmer of hope arose within him.  He wasn't alone; he wasn't the last.  There was another...

"It looks as though the Hin race has a lot of pride," Shoukitei mused, "All the other girl prisoners we took committed suicide. Only this kid refused to die. "  Growing irritated at the silent exchange between the prisoners, he demanded, "Can't you speak?"

Ayuru heard not the emperor's words as he continued to gaze disbelievingly at Taria.  Had it not been only months prior that they had sat beneath the warmth of the sun at Seiran Lake and spoken of love and friendship?  Love...the emotion seemed so far away from him, as if he hadn't ever been loved before.  

What would it feel like to be loved again? 

The pain reflected in Taria's soft blue eyes tore viciously tore through Ayuru's joyous reverie. They reached out to him, screaming for his aid.  _Help, help, Ayuru!  Help me!_

"Do you want to help her?" Ayuru's head jerked towards the emperor as he spoke; it was almost as if he could read the boy's mind.  "Then use your _seishi_ powers...destroy everything here."

Taria turned to him in shock.  "You're a Seiryuu _seishi_?!  That explosion from your body was your _seishi_ power?!"

Ayuru turned shamed eyes to the dirt before him as he shuffled his feet.  So he was not cleansed from his sin even in her eyes.  The gods smote him as he stood before he had to suffer further.  

But could he blame Taria for her repulsion?  Her agony had been no less than his own.  No, worse--she was to suffer because of him.  Feelings of unworthiness swept over him.

Did he deserve her with his soul tainted as it was?

No.

Could he live on without love?

No, but it didn't matter.  He had already died.

But could he save her?

Perhaps he was able to do that much.

Shoukitei's voice broke through the void between them.  "Can't you even show me your _seishi_ symbol?  Enough of this reunion!  Guards, seize her!"

Rough soldiers' hands grabbed Taria and began pulling her to the middle of the garden, forcing her to his knees.  Those same dirty hands drew forth a sword, raising it high above Taria's prone form, the blade glinting in the glow of the noon day sun as she struggled beneath them.

"No, stop!  Please!"

"Didn't your powers show up in a situation like this the first time?  Surely watching your mother under the blade of a soldier has the same affect as watching your friend in the same position?"

That same, hot rage that tore through him the first time his power had appeared began to rise within him.  Ayuru began to tremble.  _Taria..._

"The fool is frightened. Maybe he thinks if he uses his powers again, he'll end up killing the girl, too..."__

Careless, rough fingers grabbing his arm painfully and dragging him away... 

"Ayuru!"

The smell of death in the air... 

The soldier behind Taria stiffened and raised his sword higher, preparing to strike.

_The fear and hopelessness in his mother's eyes as she died..._

_\\No, stop!  End this now before it's too late!  You don't have to suffer through this all over again!\\_

_Everything he knew and loved shattered to fragments in front of his very eyes..._

"Ayuru..."  The sword began its eternal descent as Taria's hand reached out to him.

The emperor's voice..."Do you want to help her?"  

Ayuru's frame began to quiver violently with rage.  Not again, he wouldn't let it happen again...

_\\No, stop!  Look, take her hand!  Take it before it's too late and you are forced to relive more of this nightmare!\\_

The pleading look in his mother's eyes now mirrored in Taria's as the sword found its target...

No...not again...

She didn't even cry out, only smiled as the sword sliced her body.  "Ayuru...I'll go to where everyone else is. Kaasan and Tousan and Aunty Matuta are all waiting for me...I'm sorry...for leaving you all alone...Ayuru...sayonara..."

He snapped.

"Your highness, take cover!"

_Kokoro _blazed fiercely upon his pale features as an explosion of shockwave energy came hurtling towards the two guards poised above Taria.  For a second, there was only that painful brilliance, a bluish-white light that filled the entire area with its luminosity, but when the dust cleared, all the remained of the two soldiers were faint streaks of grey ash and a few bloodied, tattered bits of armor.  Taria's body remained untouched.

But she was already dead, so it didn't matter.  Nothing mattered anymore.  Everything was lost.

Ayuru...Sayonara... 

Forever goodbye, indeed.  Taria had died, and Ayuru had died with her.  Like he should have the first time around.  What was it they said?  Life isn't that bad as long as it ends the first time around...

Slowly, with trepidation, the courtiers, soldiers, and, finally, the emperor came out of hiding.  Shaking visibly, the emperor turned to face the boy in disbelief.

"By Seiryuu...he didn't even hit the girl this time.  Only the soldiers..."

The boy turned to face the people behind him, his blue eyes cold and unreadable.  Like stone...

Emperor Shoukitei glanced fearfully at the child before speaking.  "Anything...anything you want.  You can have it...just don't kill me, Ayuru."

Unreadable, the boy remained for several moments in silence.  Finally, he looked up.  "Nakago," he said, finally, "Call me Nakago."

"What?"

"Nakago.  It is my _seishi_ name, isn't it?  Call me that for now on."

The emperor and his guards simply nodded frightfully.  Fear was such a wonderful control factor...  

At least he had something now.  Something he could live for.  His life would not come to an end until his had avenged his mother and Taria.  He smiled bitterly as another layer of ice slowly formed over his heart.

_\\You should have taken her hand.\\_

Nakago's life came in flashes now, passing so quickly that he barely had time to think beyond his ultimate goals.  He was vaguely aware of the other _seishi_ as he found them.  His mind recorded dutifully a set of twins, one pacifist, another volatile, dancing colors that took the form of an opera performer, a lone wolf, an eerie, body snatching priest, and one beautiful, scarlet-haired woman with a merciful, loving touch and sad, grey eyes who stubbornly imprinted herself on one of the many layers of armor closest to his heart.

The scars left by his childhood had now become the blueprints of which he would exact his revenge.  The guilt and overwhelming sorrow that had once ruled his mind and soul had evolved into bitter hatred and sadism.  He reveled in the pain of others, delighted in the sorrow of those suffering around him, and vowed to make the whole of Kutou endure the misery his soul's innocence had died in so many years ago.

But his enjoyment was not sincere, his mission not complete.  Everything he was and would have been was already gone, and the young soldier of the eastern kingdom would not rest until Kutou's people and their emperor knew the true agony of his affliction.

Raising his fist high in the air as he gazed at the wide expanse of Kutou's capital city, he vowed, "One day, I swear, I will have revenge on the heaven that only gave me hell."

I will make them all suffer.

_\\But why?\\_

_Because it's all I have left..._

Lightening flashed across the black expanse of the afternoon sky like the strikes of the whip reaching across to torment the weeping sun.  The wind beat down mercilessly upon the gathering of men below its icy trails, the trees around them moaning and rattling ominously around them, the waters of Seiran Lake roiling furiously in the wake of the storm.  Above it all, though, was the thunder of men's horses as they rode up to where Nakago stood.

He stood alone, apart from where they slowly assembled around their leader, Gi Koyuu, like a pious congregation following their ordained priest in his open book of prayer.  The shogun turned to face Nakago with visible disinclination in his gaze.  "Where are you soldiers?"

"They returned to the palace. I have plenty of power on my own, wouldn't you say?"

Koyuu didn't respond immediately, too taken aback by the youth's words to answer him.  Did the young man even care if he died?   Yes, he was a warrior of Seiryuu, but one man against all of his followers?  Was he mad?  He quickly voiced his doubts.  "Even if you use your powers, I don't think you can win."

"I never use my powers in a battle.  You know this well, yourself."

Koyuu couldn't fight the shudder that resounded through him at Nakago's cold smile.  His final hopes of peace between Kutou and the last of the Hin seemed to dwindle down to nonexistence.  If only...

"Nakago, I will say this once more," he said slowly, "hate cannot disappear with revenge. Can't you work to change the cold hearts of the people of Kutou who destroyed the Hin race...into warm-hearted people with me?"

At once, Nakago's heart hardened once again.  Warm the hearts of those who had frozen his own?  How dare he ask such a favor?  As if they deserved it.

_\\Everyone deserves salvation, including you, else I wouldn't be here.  Let go of your hatred.  There's no need to fight anymore, especially in this battle.  Do not let your loathing and anger overcome you again as it did with your mother!  Make up for the chance you lost with Taria--take his hand.\\_

_Silence, _he hissed viciously to the disembodied voice, _I will not give myself over to Kutou any more than I have already._

"That seems fitting coming from someone who loves romantic things. This setting was a good choice. Are you dirty people planning on destroying my race again on this very spot? Just like you did thirteen years ago?"

No response came from Koyuu, who was too focused on his own failure to reach through to Nakago to speak.  And he had failed.  In an effort to rid himself of his own haunting memories of the Hin and help Nakago ease the pain of his loneliness, he had failed.  Failed not only himself, Nakago, and his people, but the beloved woman with eyes of Seiran blue who had stolen his heart so many years ago...

From behind him, a soldier, unable to wait any longer--Koyuu recognized him as Tou Eichuu, Nakago's rival for his position of shogun--sounded the attack.

"Enough of this talk!  Fight!"  Slowly the soldiers led by Eichuu began to advance.  To Koyuu's shock, though, it was not Nakago whom they surrounded, but himself. Vexed, he turned to face Eichuu with reprimand in his eyes.

"What is the meaning of all of this?"

"This is the meaning: those soldiers who are ready to attack you are not ready to attack **you**. They are ready to attack **Nakago**."

Koyuu looked in the direction of Nakago's smiling, tilted face and gasped as a young man walked out from behind him holding a clam shell.  What was going on?

"In their eyes, you are Nakago.  Instead of wasting his powers, he used mine to fool you."

Nakago laughed maliciously, "So how does it feel to have your own soldiers turn on you, Koyuu?"

The shogun could not speak as his heart slowly sank into the deepest reaches of despair.  Such malevolent glee in the young man's eyes as he uttered those words.  It chilled Koyuu to very the core of his soul.  What had the people of Kutou done to devastate a man so dreadfully that he reveled in another man's fear and horror?

Yet the cold, numb feeling that overtook his being was not of fear.  It was not anger nor hatred, but instead, sorrow.  Grief for the lost, empty soul he saw in those blue eyes and lament for the woman to whom he never carried out his final will and promise.

It was Eichuu's cry that shook Koyuu from his trance.

"Die, you bastard!"  Eichuu's sword came whistling through the air towards his unprotected head.  On instinct, Koyuu grabbed his own weapon and began to fight off the young man's advances, numbly moving his body to propel the young man back, attempting to force Eichuu to retreat.  However, the situation was getting desperate.  Eichuu had given no signal, but the other soldiers were now beginning to tighten their ring around him, restricting his area of movement and preventing escape.  

Damn it all!  He didn't want to hurt Eichuu.  Not the boy who had tried so desperately to become everything Nakago was.  Suddenly, Koyuu fell back, ducking to avoid Eichuu's next blow.  On instinct, he thrust his weapon forward to block the next anticipated blow...only to fall back in horror as his blade met soft flesh instead of hard metal.  Aghast, he pulled back, but the damage had been done.  Koyuu could only look on helplessly as Eichuu's body fell back, eyes still open in shock, and pray that the illusion of him as Nakago was still in affect.

"Eichuu..."

The soldiers around him suddenly exploded with life, making their way towards him with dark, angry eyes and shining blades of promised death.  He had to do something before they all died.  Nakago would not get away with this...

"Stop!"  He turned to the celestial warrior.  "If I hand the soldiers over to you, will you challenge me yourself?"

"As you wish."

Tomo's illusion dropped suddenly, leaving the soldiers disoriented as they tried to figure out who was who.  Nakago entered the invisible circle that would mark their battle with a smug look on his face.  Koyuu simply drew his sword silently from its scabbard.  Nakago did likewise.

"I thank you for training me. However, in this world, only the strongest survive."

".....Nakago."

"Let me teach you where true strength comes from."

"..."

"It comes from hating you...from the moment I met you."

Koyuu simply gazed sadly at the other soldier as he positioned himself.  In the distance, he heard a woman screaming the other man's name, and the storm worsened, three trees abruptly splitting down the middle as lightening struck them, burning straight through.

_\\This is your last chance!  Let it go.  Do you hear **her **in the distance, calling you, trying to save you?  Open your eyes, for the love of the gods.  You've suffered here a thousand times before, why are you letting yourself do it again?\\_

_And give up my chance at revenge?_

_\\In the light of your salvation, revenge is meaningless.  This battle is meaningless and will only leave you all the more empty!  Open your heart and let yourself see the truth.\\_

_My only truth lies in the spilled blood of Kutou's people._

Nakago simply smiled as he faced Koyuu again.  However, inwardly, he was in turmoil.  This day had been preordained from the moment he'd entered the military.  After all, the only way for him to gain control of all of Kutou was to become shogun, and in order to take that position, he must replace the now-ruler with his own presence.

But he felt sick.  Gi Koyuu was a pure, gentle man by spirit, an aspect that even Nakago's cold heart understood through all its icy layers.  The man was the perfect soldier:  loyal, spirited, determined, and focused only on that which would help his country.  Using Tomo's power to fool the man only cheapened Nakago's own reputation, his victory only to perfect Koyuu's memory and add shame to his own.

_"You will grow up to be a stronger and more sensitive man than anyone else..."_

For a slight moment, Nakago held back, continuing to circle Koyuu, as his mother's words echoed in his mind.  Was this really worth it, destroying this perfection?  Did the man's life hold any value to him?

_\\**All **life is precious and valuable.  He who thinks otherwise has no value himself.\\_

_And tell me what value I do have?  I killed my own mother in order to become a Seiryuu seishi._

_\\Your worthlessness is an illusion birthed by your own self-loathing.\\_

_Shut up._

Nakago broke once more from the now familiar routine of the unknown voice.  The man's life held no value.  No one's life had value anymore.  Those who had were gone, killed by those who barely deserved what they had.  Tilting his chin upward, his eyes leveled with the shogun's for a moment, and he froze.

There was not a hint of the hatred Nakago's own eyes reflected as Koyuu gazed steadily back at him.  Rather, it was more like...empathy.  He had sympathy for the man Nakago had become, and he was pitying this horrible battle between 

The Hin's blood boiled.  He did not want this man's compassion!  What good what it do him now?  Now that he was only a broken, bruised, and lonely soul?  Anger stirred deep within him.  No, he would not return the compassion.

Koyuu would die today.

"...It's better this way..."  

Nakago could only reel in horror as Koyuu's prone, dying body fell heavily against his own.  No...no...this was not happening…This was **not** happening.  Not again, not after so many years of searching...

The dying man's quiet voice appeared next to his ear again.  "What...what is...your name?"

...searching...searching for...his father...

He clenched his fists, parting his mouth slightly.  "...Ayuru."

...only to lose him all over again...

"Ayuru."  Koyuu smiled gently.  "What a beautiful name."  And it was then that the proud, yet gentle hearted shogun of Kutou, Gi Koyuu, died in his son's arms, his warmth fading against the younger man's chest.  From behind the prone form of Gi Ayuru, the waters of the Seiran Lake continued to lap gently at his feet as they noiselessly carried his father's body far away to a place beyond men's hopes.

_"You will grow up to be a stronger and more sensitive man than anyone else..."_

The thick, tainted silence that polluted air of Kutou's slums was nearly suffocating to the shogun as he made his way through the pitiable housing of the community.  Nakago had always hated Kutou, always would.  Here, in Kutou, where the suffering went without heed, the poor unfurnished, and where the sun rose only to be usurped by the dark, angry clouds that never seemed to disappear from Kutou's horizon.

Why had he come here where the useless and dying shied away from his magnificent, uncanny presence among them? Rather than begging for salvation, they decided, instead, to crawl away to some dark, lonely hell hole to die as nameless as they had come into this world.

Yet, even here, in the most wretched and vile sections of the capital, Nakago still felt the chilling hatred the people of Kutou held against his ethnicity.  Had he any compassion left, Nakago would have pitied their fears.  Instead, he ignored him, his mind preoccupied with a far more significant matter.

The vision had been fleeting, a glimpse of sandy hair and green eyes crying for help, hands grasping and tearing white cloth as a body beneath them struggled to escape, yet the effects of the vision had been startling intense.  He remembered standing in the midst of solitude in his quarters only to reel forward as his mind was bombarded with images.  A thin sheen of cold sweat had suddenly broken over his even paler than usual features as his heart rate climbing to an almost desperate beat.  He had _felt _the girl's terror, had trembled with the same appalling dread that had surely consumed the girl in his vision.

However, it was not the girl's pain that had caught his attention.  Obviously, it had been a large factor in what had caused the normally implacable shogun to tremble at the sight of a bare memory, but his interest rested more in the girl herself than of her struggle.

Foreign clothes, different speech, light hair and eyes...The girl, like himself, was most definitely a _gaijin_, or foreigner, to this land.  Possibly even...Hope arose within Nakago suddenly, then withered like a fragile butterfly caught in the angry winds of a storm.  Too many times had such an emotion developed only to be shot down by the harsh reality of his damnation.

But if she was the one they were searching for...

Perhaps even the long lost heart of the unemotional shogun could finally find peace.

So he traveled and searched through the pitiful slums of Kutou, turning a blind eye towards the sick and dying, allowing his only focus to be the girl.  That young, blessed girl who might help him escape from his unspeakable hell he was drowning in.

As he marched determinedly around one more corner, Nakago became suddenly aware of the thick, tainted silence that seemed to creep from the very darkest of alleyways, lying in wait until his rigid form would pass before tumbling out of its dark cove and striking ferociously.

The young man shuddered, and suddenly he was drowning again, sinking in that ominous silence that signaled the coming of a storm, silence so penetrating and intense that it struck to the very core of a living being, incapacitating him, leaving a man to ruin.  It was the same hush that had overcome him only seconds before he had lost his mother and Taria.  

Because Death came only on silent wings, and everyone he ever loved died.

The silence was shattered by the shrill scream of a girl, terrified and desperate, fraught with the same underlying panic that had laced his own mother's cries seconds before she had died.  Nakago sped up slightly, his ki drawn to the girl's as a moth to the proverbial flame.

He arrived in the midst the attack.  The girl was already unconscious, her wailing now long since ceased, possibly from a blow bestowed by her aggressors, or maybe she just preferred the sanctity of unconsciousness.  Whatever the reason, he didn't blame her.  The blows that fell the two men were quick and merciless.  

Walking around the limp bodies, Nakago carefully hefted the girl into his arms, pulling her feather lightness close for a moment's observation.  Sandy blonde hair fell over tightly closed eyes, her face was drawn tightly in fear, the fair skin marred by the physical abuse she had received during the short but brutal attack.  Her pale cheeks were wetted with the residue of her tears.  The clothing she wore was mostly intact, though he noted that a trip to the palace tailor would not hurt.

Nakago shuddered; she was the portrait of the suffering he had hidden from those cold nights so long ago.

He shifted her slightly so that she was now positioned with her head pillowed against his shoulder, pulling his cape around to conceal her unconscious figure from the stares of curious onlookers.  No need to excite the people the people of Kutou over something that may not be as it looked.  He was sure the other Seiryuu warriors must have felt the girl's presence by now, so he need not worry about the preparations for the girl's arrival.  Mentally, he checked off all other objectives and necessary requirements for the priestess's greeting.  He would not tell the emperor of the girl's purpose immediately; in fact, he would not even aware him of her presence until her identity was assured.  No need for the emperor to be looking into his business anytime soon.

Silently, Nakago slowly began to make his way back to the palace.  His steps were measured, his focus undistracted.  There was only the palace and the girl, nothing else.  The girl…

_\\That was kind of you.\\_

_She could be the priestess.  It's my **duty**._

_\\You make your duty as a warrior sound like such a dirty thing...\\_

_I am not **doing** this for Seiryuu.  Never for the one who ruined me._

_\\Then why?\\_

_Just wait and you will see.  I vowed revenge, didn't I?_

_\\How could I forget?\\_

_Why do you care, anyhow?_

_\\Because for the first time in years, you have hope.\\_

_Then you are mistaken._

"Do you remember how I found you three months ago?"

Nakago gazed emotionlessly at the girl in front of him as her face twisted in pain at the memory, visibly shaken by even the mention of her rape.  Would have been rape, anyhow, if Nakago had not arrived when he did.  But the girl did not need to know of such matters.

"Lady Yui, I beg you to reconsider before you leave for Konan with your friend.  Know that I, as a warrior of Seiryuu, will remain loyal to you.  If you change your mind, I'll be waiting for you in the shrine."

Fighting the smirk that arose within him, Nakago continued to watch Yui impassively as the girl took Suzaku's Universe of the Four Gods from him and then made her way out of the room.  He watched until her retreating form disappeared from around the corner and out of his view.  The girl was so easy to manipulate, so easy to charm.  Her immediate fear and disgust after awakening from unconsciousness had pushed her to entrust all feeling and emotions in him.  He was her knight in shining armor, the man who had rescued her from the slums of Kutou, even if it had too late to save her innocence.

It was just too easy.

_\\Perhaps too easy.  Why manipulate her so?\\_

_She is the key to my plan, the door to my way out of this hell._

_\\She's only a child...\\_

_And so was I._

_\\Are you not aware of the possible consequences?\\_

_Are you not aware of my suffering?_

_\\There are so many others ways...\\_

_Never tempt a dead man with the possibilities that will never be._

"Play time is over, _no da_."

Nakago looked on in rage as Suzaku's priestess escaped from his grasp once more, fading into the oblivion of the mage's hat as the kesa flopped wetly in the water of the shrine.  Not that he particularly cared about the damage; what he was enraged about was the fact that another had bested his defenses and broken the seal he had placed on the shrine.  Even if only for an instant, he had lacked the control he so cherished.  The situation had suddenly been tipped in the favor of the Suzaku.

_"Tamahome..."_

The warrior's name flashed across his mind like lightening from the skies above.  The priestess had called him that as he had fallen from the other man's blow as Suzaku's warriors had broken through the barriers.

_"Tamahome..."_

Finally there was someone to challenge him, to...release him.

_Fire burning all around him, the feel of his powers drained from his body and turning him weak, the agony of the boy's hand thrusting through his chest..._

Nakago blinked rapidly, trying to decipher where the transient vision had originated from.  Shaking his head, Nakago stood to full height, turning his head slightly to speak to Yui.  "I apologize for my incompetence Lady Yui.  It will **not** happen again."

"Don't worry about it Nakago." Yui held her scarred wrist close for inspection.  "It wouldn't be any fun if we defeated them so quickly."

He smirked.  "I like the way you think, priestess."  When Yui didn't answer, Nakago continued, "We should leave.  That boy did significant damage to the shrine.  I'll inform the emperor of the ruins, but for now, I think we should make haste to leave this place before anything collapses and you are injured."

Nodding unconsciously, Yui began to follow Nakago through the ruins, allowing him to carry her over the places where the areas were the cracks ran deep into the earth, making her path treacherous and painful.  Eternity passed by her in seconds as they finally reached the door to the shrine, Nakago's arms leaving her waist as their feet touched the plush carpet of the hallway.  She looked back, only once, to gaze at the golden statue of Seiryuu in the shrine.  She felt so cold...

Shivering, she stepped forward, regaining her balance.  It was time to take her first steps on her path without Miaka.

Nakago led her down through the hallways, past the palace chambers, and finally into the court room where the emperor himself stood waiting for them.  Apparently, soldiers had already forewarned the monarch of the damage done to the Seiryuu shrine, and he waved Nakago off when the shogun began to speak of it and began to expound on Yui's duties on priestess and the planned attack on Konan.  Yui heard little of it, too lost in her own thoughts to care.

Blue eyes carefully observed the young girl beside him as the emperor continued to babble on about his final victory over the inhabitants of Konan and the riches they would gain.  Nakago did not miss the look the subtle glances Yui made to her slashed wrists, and even more noticeable was the haunted, empty look her dull, green eyes had taken on.

He knew that look; his visage had carried it along more than once in his lifetime.  It was the finality of hopelessness and despair, a silent understanding you're your world and dreams were shattered, never to be repaired.  One and alone, you suffer under the yoke tribulation while others profit from your loss.

_\\So why do you fracture her mirror even more?\\_

_She will be easier to manipulate if she believes that I am the only one who understands._

_\\I would think you **were** the only one.\\_

_Silence._

"Do you think that you can take care of this problem?"

Yui threw a glance in the direction of Nakago before leveling her eyes with Shoukitei.  "Yes, I will take care of the Priestess of Suzaku myself."

"Good.  Then I and the rest of Kutou will remain out of the affairs of the priestess of Seiryuu.  But this does mean that the attack on Konan will have to be delayed.  If we were to attack now and have Konan summon Suzaku to replenish their armies, we would be crushed.  I know leave the fate of Kutou in your hands."

After a few more words, the emperor released them, allowing them to go forth in their mission for Seiryuu.  As Yui walked down the hall towards her new quarters, she tightened her fists at memories of long ago, the decision of only an hour's passing already taking its toll on her soul.  She held her head high, but Nakago knew better.  Having one through the same experiences as the newly ordained priestess, he understood that even as she reassured herself of the regality of her position, doubts of worth and self-purpose swarmed her being like plague.

_\\We are all shattered in our own way.  Now it is time to pick up the pieces.\\_

_I'm not in the mood to cut my fingers._

She was devastated, and so was he.  Neither was willing to look back and dip their fingers into the pooled blackness of their souls in order to resurrect the emotions of old.  Too much had burned away to reveal the ugliness of reality and human brutality to be any longer of use.  They were both victims of a cruel fate predestined by a hand neither could touch.

And for the briefest of moments, as their eyes caught one another's in the torchlight of the hallway, they were one.

"Do you understand what you are to do, Amiboshi?"

The young man looked up reluctantly and nodded.  "Yes, Nakago-sama, I understand.  I will leave for the country of Konan tomorrow morning and locate the priestess of Suzaku as soon as possible."

Smirking slightly, the shogun nodded slightly.  "Good.  You will be accompanied by two of Kutou's best assassins in case you are discovered before the planned time.  Keep in mind that you are the second part of this plan.  Suzaku's warriors only need to lose one of their own in order to prevent them from summoning their god.  With Tamahome under Lady Yui's restraint right now, that may just be possible.  If measures can be taken to remove one before putting one of our own in possible danger, then so be it.  Better their loss alone than two from both sides."  He paused for a moment, looking over the young boy as he swallowed hard, eyes flashing a nervous green.  "You seem hesitant, Amiboshi."  

The youth jerked, his expressive green eyes turning up to meet Nakago's emotionless blue ones...and ultimately succeeding in giving away all of his doubts.

Nakago's mouth twitched ever so slightly into a quick smirk before quickly fading back to its thin, unreadable line.  The boy was afraid  That much was obvious.  Yet it was not for himself.  No, in the short time Nakago had known the boy, he had come to realize that little of Amiboshi's fears rested in his own faults and failings--it was the twin he worried.

"Yes, Nakago-sama, I am worried, but it's not about the mission--"

"You are worried for your brother Suboshi."  

The young man visibly balked.  He answered carefully.  "Yes, my brother.  I don't think he's ready to be separated from me in such a tense situation."

"Your brother will be perfectly fine for the short time you are gone.  Do not forget that he is too a warrior of Seiryuu as well."

"But his powers aren't even fully develop--"

"He needs to learn and mature without you around for once.  The boy leans too heavily on you as it is."

Amiboshi turned averted his eyes from the shogun.  Suboshi **did** rely on him too much, but that didn't mean...

"Keep it out of your mind, Amiboshi, or else you'll lose focus."  Nakago closed the distance between them.  "And remember Amiboshi, if you lose focus, and the Suzaku discover who you truly are, then your brother Suboshi truly never will see you again, will he?"  He grasped Amiboshi's hand, the one clenched by his side, and pulled the boy close.  "Do you understand, Amiboshi?"

"Y-Y-Yes Nakago.  I know what you mean perfectly."

Nakago mouth quirked slightly again, and he let go of the young man's arm.  "I'm glad we understand one other...warrior of Seiryuu."

It took little time for Amiboshi to leave the room in which Nakago resided, his hand clenching and unclenching in ill anticipation of what will come.

"Fools," he said softly, "both of them."

_\\How?\\_

"For loving," he continued to answer aloud, "in a world where loving gets you nowhere."

_\\Isn't that you opinion?\\_

"Truth is not opinion."

_\\...You will never fail to amaze me.  Why would one wish for hate when you could have love?\\_

"A man who lives only for death has no need of love."

_\\Oh, why didn't you take her hand when you had the chance?\\_

_I told you he was a fool._

_\\He died for your cause.\\_

_No, he died for his brother, for his seishi.  Nobody would ever die for me._

_\\And this makes him foolish?\\_

_For believing in peace, in hope.  That is why I scorn him so._

_\\You feel no regrets?\\_

_Why should I?  He was only a tool.  One that had showed little use in the end anyhow._

_\\As we all were to you, I suppose.\\_

_...You speak as if I know you._

_\\Perhaps you do.\\_

Nakago paced the area of his tent slowly, belying his vexed and unapproachable state at the moment.  The Suzaku seishi had found the first shinzaho and claimed it, and despite losing a warrior, they were well on their way to the next one.  The Seiryuu seishi, too, had found themselves one less in numbers; Ashitare had fallen in the battle that claimed Nuriko's life as well.

And now the Suzaku warriors were well ahead of his own.  A rare occurrence, if any, but it did help that both Hokkan and Sairo were friends to the Konan ambassadors where Kutou's had foolishly made enemies.  Avoiding the breakout of war during such a pivotal time in the race to summon their gods was one of the main priorities on Nakago's list.  If they were to go to war, better it be on only two fronts than one.

Finally, he collapsed into a chair, rubbing his forehead.  The war with the Suzaku should not have been this difficult.  If only that fool Amiboshi had not ruined his plans...

_\\So now all of this is his fault?\\_

"Go away from me," he responded aloud, "I'm not in the mood to deal with it right now."

"If that's so, then I will leave, but I beg heed for my idea as to how we can stop this race between the two gods."

The shogun almost jumped at the sound of Tomo's voice.  Almost.

Composing himself, Nakago straightened in his chair and turned to face Tomo.  Two blue eyes met a shock of colors and paint.  The latter smiled mischievously while the other watched him warily.  Slowly, a feeling of cold disconcertion rose within him from out of nowhere.  Something, though he wasn't sure where, was telling him that whatever Tomo had planned, he was not going to like it.

"What is it Tomo?"

"I just came to offer my suggestion as to how to solve the problem with this priestess of Suzaku.  After all, there are other ways to stop a priestess from fulfilling her duties to her god."

"I promised Lady Yui that I would not kill the Priestess of Suzaku."

"Who said anything about killing?"

The priestess was already unconscious by the time he rested her body gently on the ground.  Her blouse was torn open from an earlier attack of his own power, revealing pale flesh beneath the white layer of undershirt she wore.  He placed a hand on her stomach, pushing her down.  So this was how the war against Suzaku was going to end.  He, Nakago, was going to take advantage of a fifteen-year old slight of a girl in order to assure victory for the Seiryuu side.

_\\Yet you have no intention of doing that do you?\\_

_I don't..._

Moving his hands along her neck, Nakago trailed his fingers across the pale skin of one cheek, eliciting a shiver from Miaka's unconscious form.  She was alone, unprotected.  He could take advantage of her now and finish this little fiasco with the other Suzaku.  No matter how great Tamahome's rage would be, the boy wouldn't stand a chance against Nakago's full power.

Tomo had made it sound so easy, just to spread her legs open and press himself into her reluctant femininity.  He had made it sound as though violating the girl would have been no more a trouble than breathing.

Yet he had no objective of doing any of the aforementioned.

He knew what it would be like for her when she woke up.  At first it would seem as though it were only a nightmare, a cruel vision of the mind.  But then one would catch a glimpse of the morning sun glinting off the gold of palace walls and the inexorable truth that this was reality would settle upon you like a black pestilence upon the soul.  From that point on one was dirty, used, perverted.  You were the toy and they the puppet master, and though Nakago craved power, he did not want to be the one manipulating the strings.

Let Tomo do his own dirty work.

**_"_**_Miaka...What did you do to Miaka?  What did you do?!"_

Nakago blinked suddenly, releasing Miaka's shoulders.  Wasn't that Tamahome's voice?  Suddenly, he gasped, leaning forward and grasping his shoulder in pain as red hot energy surged throughout.  Pulling his shirt down slightly, he rubbed the skin but was surprised to find no mark, not even a redness.  Had he simply imagined it?  Massaging it gently, he pulled his attention back to Miaka's unconscious form...and turned away.

He was unable to bear looking her fearful, frozen form any longer.

_You were right; I can't do it._

_\\...As rightfully you should not.  Perhaps humanity still lies within your grasp.\\_

_But I have not given up the privilege of destroying her dreams quiet yet.  Remember, I still have to play the monster..._

_\\I will pray for you.\\_

Nakago trembled slightly, a reaction originating from a mixture of pain, fatigue, and disgust.  Normally, he would have asked Soi to stay behind to help him heal, but this time he hadn't even the strength to plead with her.  He felt drained and...unworthy.  As he was now, after what he had plotted to do, he did not deserve her.  Not that he ever had...

And then there had been the argument with Tomo after the whole encounter with Tamahome was over...The encounter with Tamahome that had...Nakago moved to place a hand over the bandaged shoulder.  Too much.  It was too overwhelming for him to handle in one day.  Nakago was...shaken.

_\\I suppose I should say I'm somewhat proud of you.\\_

_Don't bother.  I'm disgusted with myself enough._

_\\Do you think we've played this game enough?\\_

_I am tired and weak right now, and I have nothing left to go on.   Who are you?  All these years you've followed me...Why?  What is your purpose?_

_\\I came here of no malevolent forces but of my own free will.  My purpose?  To save you.\\_

_It's too late to save me._

_\\That's what you think.\\_

_Save me from what, then?  What in this world could possibly be strong enough to defeat my power?_

_What else?  Your own soul.\\_

Nakago bolted up from his chair, only to fall back down hissing in pain at the ache in his shoulder.  _My soul?  I already know I've damned.  You're a liar.  Tell me the truth now; what ill and unthrifty spirit are you?_

_\\No spirit am I that you have not known before.  You simply do not recognize me...\\_

_Just answer my question._

_\\...I cannot tell you who I am until you believe the words I speak.\\_

_How can I trust when all I am given is more questions?_

_\\Name one time my words have led you astray.\\_

_…_

_\\Nakago, this battle will not be won by power.  It requires faith.  Faith in me, faith in the gods, faith in yourself.  Until you believe, I can help you more than any other being.\\_

_Why are you--_

_\\It is a matter of light and dark, Nakago.  You are now in the darkness, in the lies.  This isn't real, this life you're leading.  You cannot recall, but you have experienced this lifetime a thousand times over, and you will live it a thousand times more unless find it in yourself to forgive.  Let go of your hate, Nakago, and leave this darkness to find the light.\\_

_Why are you doing this?  How can this be possible?  This has to be real..._

_\\You tell me my answers only give you more questions...then why do you continue questioning yourself?  Consider all you've gone through, all you've experienced.  Haven't you noticed a pattern, a sensation of repetition?  Haven't you Nakagko?\\_

_I...I..._Nakago placed a hand gently over his injured shoulder gently.  As bizarre and horrifying the theory seemed, the pieces were beginning to come together.  The sensations of déjà vu, of the dull monotony of his suffering...He shut his eyes tightly; he truly was damned.

No!  Shaking his head furiously, Nakago withdrew from his miserable contemplation.  It had to be real!  He refused to have suffered for so long for so little!  _Liar!  You're lying to me.  This isn't true, it can't be!  It just...can't be.  _Feeling the fear and sorrow well up within him, Nakago forced his emotions back down, refusing to be overwhelmed by words he did not believe.

_\\Nakago...Please.  Believe.  That's all we ever asked of you.  That's all **she** wants you to do.\\_

"Mother?"  It took everything within him to fight the tears that came to his eyes, from collapsing onto the floor and mourning for everyone and everything he had ever lost in this life.

Or...was it his past life?

No!  He refused to believe it...Had he really caused so much suffering as to pay his penance in such a fashion?

_\\I don't think so.\\_

_What?_

_\\Despite all you've done, all the pain you've caused, even a creature like myself knows when a man has reached the final chapter of his story.  It's time to let go, Nakago, time to release yourself from the grasp you have on the physical world.\\_

_I don't...know.  How can you say such things after everything?_

_\\There are no real answers to this puzzle.  None that I can give you, anyhow.  This is an equation you have to solve yourself.  I'm just here to provide guidance.\\_

_I can't...I don't want to stay here any longer._

_\\Then follow me...if you can believe.\\_

_I'll try, but I can't make promises._

_\\And that is why you will fail.\\_

Pain.  Agony.  Fire.  Wracking his frame, wrenching away a spiritual piece of himself.  Nakago grasped the table tightly as the feeling of another seishi's death tore through his being, ravishing the wasteland of his soul, burning through his frame like brushfire on a prairie.  Mercifully, the feeling eventually faded, but it left behind a dull ache that would remain for a too long a time to follow.

_"Gomen...Nakago..."  _The voice echoed through his mind, and he shivered at the feel of another spirit brushing against his own before leaving.  A fleeting vision of paint and feathers and all was lost.

Nakago gasped.  "Tomo..."

He recognized the Seiryuu warrior who had died by an acute ache that shot through his pelvis momentarily before fading away.  While Seiryuu's warriors did not share the bonds that Suzaku's may have, they were still connected, and each life that faded away was felt by all.  Though to the degree that Nakago had felt it...

_How is it the bond remains ever stronger if I have already passed this in physical life?_

_\\In fatality, you become one again with the gods.  Death cannot break the bonds that are placed upon us.\\_

_But the pain...it's so real._

_\\Our deaths were that within the spirit, long before our physical bodies were destroyed.  Our carnal devastations were only the final culmination of all that we had suffered in soul.  That is why you feel us still.\\_

_But why him?  He caused me nothing but pain._

_\\He caused you pain because he loved you.  Like so many others, he sought to be break the barriers of your emotional guards in order to reach your heart himself.  He is no different from others among your seishi; he simply attempted to fight agony with grief.\\_

_Tomo was a fool for loving me.  More a fool for dying._

_\\Do not scorn him.  His only sin was loving a man he could never have, his only true mistake attempting to follow through with it.\\_

_Why try for a man he could never love?_

_\\Then why love in general?  We don't choose who we love or why, we simply do.  It's what keeps us alive.  It is he who dies without love who should be pitied.\\_

_If it is love that kept us alive, I died years ago._

_\\And so you did.  The choice now is whether or not you wish to move past the barricade of hatred you've damned yourself with or move beyond to the light where all spirits meet.\\_

Nakago nodded hesitantly at the voice, reflecting on the wisdom bequeathed to him.  If a man died without loving...

He collapsed suddenly, fortunately falling into a chair behind him as all strength was suddenly drained from him as another Seiryuu warrior faded away.  However, this feeling was not like that of death, it was more like..."Amiboshi?"  Nakago had known the boy had been found alive, but there had been no orders given to attack him.  Again, though, the sensation was not death, but...fading, as if everything he had known and been a Seiryuu seishi had disappeared.  Nakago shook his head; whatever it was he would question Suboshi when he returned.

_\\Perhaps he wasn't such a fool after all.  He knew when to let go.\\_

_Perhaps you're right, _Nakago responded sadly, _perhaps..._

"My gods, what is it?"  Soi glanced at Nakago's hand. "Is that...Tomo's shin?"

At first, Nakago hadn't noticed Soi's entrance, too enraptured was he in his own thoughts to pay heed.  "That's right," he answered idly, "When I went to inspect

his corpse, this clam was left behind, unshattered.  I opened it to pass the time, but to think it would show me something this interesting..."  
"Lady Yui's world?"  
**"**Perhaps."

Soi shifted uncomfortably.  There was hunger in her shogun's eyes, a longing and passion of the likes she had never seen in him before.  What was it exactly that her beloved planned to do?  He looked like a lost man at sea who had just caught sight of land was eagerly swimming towards it.  A lonely, unloved man left to shrivel and die among the masses.  

She never wanted him to feel that way again.  Taking a deep breath, she pulled her eyes away from Tomo's illusion and said softly, "Nakago-sama, will you remove your armor for me?"

Looking up from where he was closing Tomo's shell, he responded, "What's this, all of a sudden? I've removed my armor for you many times."

She frowned slightly.  "Yes, we've made love many times but only to heighten your powers."  Her voice rose an octave, almost in desperation.  "But to reach your heart...your feelings...Do you remember...?  When we first met seven years ago?  Ever since that time, you were the only one for me!"

He froze, hand poised over the table next to him.  Soi gazed at him with beggar's eyes, imploring him to the fulfill the one desire of her heart.  In those eyes he could see them all, those who had passed away, those he had destroyed.  It took a world of effort to turn away from her and shut his eyes tightly, fighting tears he thought he had long since purged.

Nakago did not love.  It was a fact that many accepted.  He was dead, without love and unable to give it.  So why had she not come to understand it?  Did she really need to believe in his mendacity so devotedly in order to keep on living?

_"You will grow up to be a stronger and more sensitive man than anyone else..."_

He shut his eyes tightly, ashamed.__

_\\Don't do it.  Hasn't there been enough pain?  A man who dies without love--\\_

_No...I can't love her.  Everyone I love dies._

_\\But you have already saved her!\\_

_How can I be sure of that?  Of all the things you cannot bestow me, don't ask me to gouge deeper the most painful scars within my soul._

_\\It will be to your own regret.\\_

"There is only one person that can satisfy me.  And you are not her."

_\\Do you remember what you have to do now?\\_

_Yes...I think.  Understand, know that this is an illusion.  Know that I can beat it._

_\\...And believe.  Never forget to believe.\\_

_...Yes._

_\\Now focus, remember what all that you know now.  This illusion is birthed by your own spirit; when the chance comes don't give up taking their hand when the open it to them.  After all, you've given the chance up before...\\_

"This is great! We're just testing Suzaku's Guardians, and look at them!"

He smirked as he watched the Suzaku seven struggle below them, their powers now sealed by Seiryuu's wishes.  It was all so very close now.  Release, escape...wasn't that what he had been promised?  The priestess' world would soon be his for the taking.

"Nakago, I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to grant your wish later."

Turning his head, Nakago gazed at Yui suddenly in surprise.  What was she doing?

"_Kaijin_!"

As Yui's voice struck the air and lightening gave an answering cry in the distance, Nakago suddenly turned, eyes warily scanning the horizon.  He had been here before, had experienced something beyond this world...

Danger.

The world echoed through his mind fleetingly, and a name appeared at the tip of his tongue.  "Soi," he whispered something.  The ominous feeling swept over him in waves, sweeping through his soul and mind.  Soi.  Something was going to happen to Soi.  Struggling to remember, he turned to face her and--

"Nakago, watch out!"

He caught her with one hand, body balancing on the edge of his lap as she slammed into him.  His eyes widened as she looked dazedly at him, and he felt her hands desperately grasping for something to hold on to, felt the sickeningly warm, crimson liquid spill out over her clothing, his armor, his **hands**.  The bile rose in his throat; there was so much of it...

When would his hands be clean of the blood of others?

"Soi!"  He could not speak, his throat felt constricted and ill.  His whole body was trembling, shuddering beneath the burden of his sin.  "Soi..."

After a few seconds of wild-eyed searching, grey eyes leveled with his blue ones.  "Nakago..."  She smiled faintly beneath him, her eyes taking on a distant look as if recalling reminiscence from times long ago.  "Nakago...Ever since that day, I've wanted to see you. This is...my final service to you..._Aishiteru_, Nakago..."  Soi collapsed against her shoulder, warmth fading against his body like the sunset of a cold day, just like his father so very many years ago.

_"There is only one person that can satisfy me.  And you are not her."_

He had not told he loved her, so she could not be dead, right?  He clutched her tightly against him, refusing to believe.  It just could not be true.  Soi could not die; she was safe, unloved by him.  Where was their second chance?  Nakago couldn't move, couldn't speak.  His heart tightened in accord with his taunt body.

_\\No, stop!  You must believe!  Don't worry about her, she has already been saved!\\_

Soi was dead.  She had died.  _For him._

The sickness welled up within him, threatening to spill over.  How many more would die because of him?  Hope was lost.  There had never been hope in the first place, nothing for which Nakago could place his faith in.

_\\You must not lose faith!  Let the pain and hatred go and you can follow her!\\_

He did not heed the voice as it spoke, only continued to gaze out into the dying sunset of the evening, unconscious to the feel of white petals whistling past his ears and warm, salty rain on his frozen lips.

Because Death came on silent wings, and everyone he ever loved died.

_\\I guess this is the end.\\_

He sat opposite from the white orchid, staring silently at the mound of recently upturned dirt that covered the body of a woman who had once been...his lover?  His consort?  Nakago wasn't sure.  He couldn't place the feeling. 

Lover.  The word sounded foreign on his tongue, just as the taste of his tears had been when he had shed them.  Salty, yet sweet.  Bitter wine and saccharine honey.  Sunrise and sunset.  Light and...darkness.  Nakago clenched a fist tightly, clenched it until his nails broke the flesh and small trickles of blood ran over his palm.  The voice had said that this was the darkness.  Now he urgently needed the light.

He leaned forward, pressing his forehead against his knee, pulling his body into a tight ball.  Squeeze tightly and release the tension, let the anger and pain slide away like water down a stream.  It took a while before his stream's tide flowed out.

Death.  The word was like salvation and condemnation all in one.  Was the light to be found in death?  Would he finally be able to rectify for all the sins and wrongdoings of his life?  Death.  It was where everyone he ever loved had been taken.

When he opened his eyes again, Nakago conceded to answer the voice.  _You told me all I had to do was believe. _He clenched his fist again._ Damn you!  You lied to me!_

_\\Did I really?  I was not the one who told you to lie to her; it was not I who closed your heart to the faith.\\_

"Why," he choked, holding back the sob of misery that rose within him, "Why did you do this?  Why are they doing this?  I just want...to forget."  Burying his face in his arms, Nakago curled up tightly, pulling his legs against him, the throb in his shoulder becoming all the more prominent.

For a long time, the voice did not answer, and silence fell between the realms as each actor reviewed their own parts.

_\\...Are you ready to believe?\\_

Nakago lifted his head and unclenched his fists, allowing each bloody hand to fall loosely next to his side.  Blue eyes gazed blankly as the sun began to rise in the east.  It had taken him all night to bury her, to say goodbye to the last piece of his heart.  It was during the night, in the deepest bowls of darkness, that the tears had come.  Foreign yet refreshing, they had helped only slightly to purge the self-hatred and regret that had permeated the air in which he had worked.  All through the night, he had fought to destroy everything needed to be left behind, from the time of the dark sunset to the nadir of darkest night.

And now it was sunrise.  Time to rise again.  Time to believe in new horizons.

"Yes."  The words came from him softly, but there was a new confidence behind them that hadn't been there before.  "I'm ready."

_\\I thought you had nothing left to have faith in.\\_

_There is nothing left, but I have to believe anyway; I have to believe that I can rid myself of this darkness...and reach the light.  I have to believe in this sunrise._

_\\It will not be easy.\\_

_I am prepared.  A dead man has nothing left to prepare for._

_\\Then I will follow you.  The blueprints for escape from this abyss lie in the memories buried within your own subconscious.  Look inside yourself.  Trust.  Believe.  And you will find your way home.\\_

_Before we leave...one last question...Just tell me, who are you?_

The voice seemed to sigh.  _\\I can tell you only this: You knew me not as you did now, as a man, though the bond I shared with you was stronger than death. It is only now, in death, that I am reincarnated in spirit as an insightful individual.  For many years, I suffered under your hand, but I remained loyal.  I suppose that is why I'm here now: one never forgets his duty to his master.\\_

Recognition struck Nakago like a stone wall.  _Ashitare?!_

_\\It's good to see you again too, master.\\_

_\\Are you ready to listen now?\\_

_Just give me a light, and I will follow._

_\\That's the spirit.\\_

_...Tell me, why are helping me?\_

_\\Because I have nothing left to be bitter more...And it was not until my death that I learned I had never lived it all.\\_

He halted his mount as she ran up to him looking unusually flustered and breathless.  "Nakago!" she called, her voice carrying between the two worlds.  The shogun looked towards his charge with an emotionless gaze, bringing his blue eyes to meet her green ones.  "Nakago..." She said it softly this time, as if undecided.  The priestess looked nervous, confused.  There was also an uncertainty in her eyes that had not been there before, a possible distrust of the bond they had shared for so many months until now.

Had the other priestess spoken with her?  Did she finally know the truth?  Whatever it was, it didn't matter anymore.

"Nakago, tell me the truth. I wasn't raped by those men, was I? Miaka said you knew, but kept quiet about it.  When I was in the book...when I was in the other world, you said so every day, right?  That Miaka abandoned me. You were always by my side.  That's why I trusted you!  But, Miaka said you used me because you wanted to acquire the power of Seiryuu!  You manipulated me to turn against her!  Well, Nakago?"

He gazed long and hard at her.  The memories were starting to reform themselves within his mind, and he could remember the actions of a life long past.  He simply gazed at her with glassy eyes.  It was over now.  No matter what lie he told her, she would see through it.  Confession would be the best alternative.

_This is where it ends, right?  I tell the truth and reveal to her our mistakes..._

_\\Yes, yes, you're getting it!\\_

"Lady Yui... This is astounding.  Friendship, jealousy, resentment. Such emotions are your personal problem.  I only helped them along…"

_Time to face my sin..._

Floating above the ground, Nakago powered his _ki_, the ground cracking and imploding beneath the bombardment of energy above it.  Ahead of him, he could see a red light open a portal into this world, and Suzaku's other two remaining warriors appeared into their priestess's world.  So she had called her final warriors into this world after all.  A smart move, but one to little avail.  Nakago watched them with mock interest as the two squabbled playfully over Chichiri's weight.  Finally, though, the two came to the business of the battle.

"Chichiri, take care of Miaka!  I'll take care of this bastard."  Tasuki turned to Nakago angrily.  "I'm your opponent now!"

"You fools, it's all over!"

As Tasuki rushed towards him, tessen in hand, Nakago simply put forth a hand, summoning a _ki_ field that deflected the other seishi's attack and sent him flying backwards.  He smiled acrimoniously as the fiery haired warrior fell backwards, body falling painfully into a pile of rubble.  "How childish of me, especially since you've become ordinary people.  Don't you see, Tasuki? That girl granted me the final wish.  In other words, I've become a god. Do you still plan on fighting me?  Will you go down in history as the first to receive God's punishment?  Will you, Tasuki?

There was a bitterness to be had for the Suzaku seishi; he, above all the others, had taken away the last piece of Nakago's heart, had peeled away the inner layer of his soul and revealed his heart.  Tasuki had thrown the sword that had killed Soi, leaving her nothing more than a cold, barren memory of warmth long passed, in turn destroying the last of his faith and hope.

_\\But you have not lost hope, have you?\\_

_No, not at all.  There is still faith that I'll...see her again._

_\\Then let us end this battle mercifully.\\_

_...Ashitare, why haven't I been able to escape?  I do believe, yet I am still trapped here.  Why?_

_\\Do not lose faith.  There are only so many portals from this realm to the next.  You will have to wait for it to come, but do not fear, release will come soon.\\_

_Do you promise?_

_\\Do you have faith?\\_

_Yes.  _

_\\Therefore I have nothing to fear.\\_

Nakago glared heatedly at Tamahome, who circled him warily, preparing to attack.  He could hear the Priestess of Suzaku screaming for her beloved to return to her, to leave this hopeless battle against Seiryuu's strongest warrior.  "You!  Don't you know how to stay dead? I see. This is what's known as "friendship."  Such a sentimental story...Won't you give up? You're getting on my nerves."

"Bastard," Tamahome hissed, "I would die for Miaka anytime.  But I doubt you would understand such a concept."  He spat, as if to emphasize his words.  Nakago looked on amused, but did not comment on it.

_This is where the true battle begins, right?  I taunt him, and then..._

Suddenly, from among the ruins, the tone of Miaka's voice rose up to the heavens, chanting the familiar verses used to summon the gods.  Verses used only previously to seal their god.  Now he remembered exactly what Yui's wish had been.

"She's summoning Suzaku!"

Tamahome turned back to Nakago and echoed his smirk.  "I still have many things left to do.  So I came back!  Everyone, protect Miaka!  I'll take care of him!"

"Don't play around, brat.  Don't confuse the summoning of Suzaku with victory.  Let me educate you... Seiryuu is the God of Battle."

_And this is one battle I can't lose again, _he added silently.

_\\All we needed was a little faith.\\_

_Indeed._

Nakago turned to where Tamahome was rushing at him, fists full of red energy and glowing red.  By now, the culmination of all his memories had returned, and his awareness was stronger more than ever.  He closed his eyes for a moment, shifting through memories until he found the proper one before settling into a fighting position.  

_Now this is where I charge..._

He did not cry out as the fist plunged through his chest, tearing through internal organs and ripping out his heart.  Once again, he felt Tamahome's violation of his memories, of his past, of his vow.  And then he felt the boy's pain, the boy's sympathy and horror, sorrow and hate.  Nakago reached out, lightly brushing Tamahome's spirit with his own, reassuring the boy that days passed would not be forgotten, but nor would grudges be fulfilled.

_Be happy._

"Nakago..."

"Don't...you dare look into another man's memories without permission."

"Why didn't you dodge?

"Stop it.  Don't give me any of your pity.  With the power of Seiryuu sealed, the power of Suzaku has claimed victory.  The strong win.  That's all."  Nakago smirked cruelly.  Damn, this is mortifying.  To have my ambitions crushed...by weaklings like you..."

He heard Tamahome gasp as he began to fade away, his body dying into the mortal realm.  Somewhere, beyond his vision, he could hear a little boy calling for his mother, and the loving echo of a mother calling her child.

And for one last time, he smiled again, but this time the visage was sincere as he let himself go.  True, the transgression was unforgivable, but what need was there to dwell on things unchangeable?  So maybe all that he was and may have been was finally revealed.  At least one person in this world finally knew and understood.  No longer did he have the harbor the terrible secrets alone.  He was finally free...

_Tell me again...Why did you do this for me?_

\\I was only returning a favor granted to me long ago.  It was in fact the master that saved me first.\\

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

**Final Notes From the Author:**

This story was inspired by two things:  First, reading the manga version of episode 52 and this stunningly gorgeous edited picture of Nakago by TasukiSeikun, which can be found on the Nakago Fan Club.  (Link Below)

If you haven't figured it out by the end of the story, Nakago's punishment was to relive his painful life over and over again until he learned to rectify his sins, move on, and forgive what had been done to him.  I felt it was fitting.  After all, the one thing Nakago ever wanted was to be free of the burden that was his terrible life, so why not have his rectification lie in the belief of better days?

As for why I used Ashitare…well, who was the one character who showed undying devotion to his master?  Answer:  Ashitare.  Besides, I thought it would make an interesting twist as to who would be the one to help Nakago along.  It's a moment of irony, as well.  A creature who was forced to do the bidding of his masters at the edge of a guild chain now holds the strings of another man's destiny in his hand.

A note on the quoted dialogue in this story:  Yes, I did change a few to fit my storyline.  Why?  Because I am an author, therefore I am a god!  Seiryuu Smcheryuu, I'm controllin' this story!  All jokes aside, I did change quite a few things because the way my story worked out, it required the changes.  I have no problem with what Watase wrote originally, but sometimes even her work needs a little changing for Chao-chan's stories.  ^_^

Another note:  This fic is actually part of a series called "Written in the Stars" that I'm working on, so if it appears under another name on my site or someone else's, don't be too surprised.

And to everyone who reads this, I do hope you enjoyed it.   ^_^  If there are any errors, please tell me.  My eyes are so bad sometimes…(And, woe, all of my betas are gone for now!)  Any questions or comments can go to this address:  ChaoticSerenity3@aol.com

**Thanks and Encouragement**

· Many of the quotes and possibly new characters you see floating around here are scenes and references to the Nakago novel, Seiran Den (Indigo/Blue Legend), which delves into the pasts of Soi, Nakago, and a little bit of Tomo.  As much as some of us may dislike the novels, they are the written fact to these characters pasts, so I had to keep in order.  Many thanks to Tetris no Miko in her efforts to translate the story.  ^_^   Most of us Nakago fans wouldn't be able to write good stories without it.  

· And also thanks to this Fushigi Yuugi Never Ending Story for its scripts, which also helped with dialogue.  

· Lastly, the Nakago Fan Club also gave a few quotes here and there, so I may as well mention them, too.

· Finally, I would just like to thank everyone who supported this story, and that includes you two, Miyuki and Mike.  ^_^  Thanks for the encouragement to try my luck at a Nakago fic!


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